the fool.

somewhat of a season 2 for the weekly blogs is upon us.

as I was out in Europe, I tried to get the first blog out where I could describe what it was like to run with the bulls, but after stumbling into some creative blocks and internet limitations, I realized that I was on vacation/break so I surrendered to the feeling and embraced as much of the break as possible.

I’m not huge into tarot cards, but the iconography is something that is really impressive.

I’ve spent the last few weeks doing a lot of reflecting. a lot of reading, some writing whenever I can make myself.

I read Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises” as a way to connect more with the mass popularization of the San Fermínes. I knew that this book was why so much of the world even knew about the running of the bulls, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I found myself in a lot of the characters in ways that I could appreciate and also in ways that I did not care for. RIP Robert Cohn.

running with the bulls has to have been the greatest moment of my life, more particularly that second time that I did. I only got to do it twice before I had to pack up and head off on 2 trains and flight out to Poland, but I have never been more proud of myself honestly. it was a dream come true. something that I’ve wanted to do forever and I can now say that I’ve done it. it’s a surreal feeling. it has me feeling like everything else in the world is possible. a brutally terrifying and surreal experience; a flow and process that you cannot really understand from the outside looking in. not dissimilar to the riding of the sandworms in Dune. I’m thankful to God that I got to do it and that I came away unharmed.

I’m more so proud of the second run because that first run, I was simply naïve. anyone can do something once. after seeing the aftermath of the first run, I almost convinced myself to not run the second day and just take it easy with some beers. getting onto that course again was such an unreal feeling. anxiety and nerves were through the roof. fully seeing and knowing that it takes so very little for things to go sideways and getting in there regardless was everything.

after the trip, I find myself in a position that I cannot say I fully anticipated. I guess I knew that this trip was much more than just a trip; something more spiritual, but I really feel awakened to my current reality.

I feel a bit of a fool. but I’m really not beating myself up over it. how could I have known? I see now with fresh eyes that so much more work needs to get done, and I have absolutely nothing stopping me. it’s always been on me, but I see it now from a different perspective. all of my insecurities, shortcomings, excuses, fears, sources of inspiration, it all stems from within me. and no one else is going to help me. I think that I had that wrong previously. I thought that maybe trying to work on keeping someone in your life might help assuage those feelings, but I think all it did was make bearing it all more manageable. to the point where I wasn’t really seeing my problems as my own to fix but more as something to work with. as I read that back, it’s not incredibly clear if that’s what I mean, but I wrote it so I’m going to leave it. and if it is what I meant, then I really am a fool.

maybe more importantly, being the fool is not all drawbacks. as I’ve seen in Pamplona, being a fool means that I can throw myself into situations that I don’t fully understand with the hopes of understanding the process more and more. new beginnings and a willingness to embrace the unknown. the key step there for me is jumping in. action. action. action. action. it’s everything. I think the only thing worse than being a fool is being a coward. no action. something I’ve had to fight more and more as I want to grow beyond what I am. the comfort sets in and there’s a part of me that is scared to push further, but really what else is there? it’s perhaps the most wicked of all sins in my eyes. to sin against one’s self in the name of self-preservation when we will all die regardless. a death (physical, spiritual, emotional, etc.) through meaning however seems to be the only good way to go out. standing for something and living with the consequences.

I thought that I was in the middle of some transformation before, but in Spain, on that second bull run, I think it happened all at once. I wasn’t fully prepared for it, but it’s here and it’s definitely painful. living with a lot of regret is not a way that I want to go out, so if you’ve got this far, I ask that you pray for me because I need to be better and that is not something that comes easy or without a cost. how else could I get through this life if I don’t get better than I am? I hope you’re searching to get better out there. if you’re reading this, just apply yourself. God knows that I need to.

God, I ask for clarity in my vision, deliverance from cowardice, support from those I love, a mind that will not let me quit, and a body that follows through.

all praise to the Most High.

action / everything.